The Rescuers 3: Bianca the Nazi
by StupidSequel
Summary: in this live action, in name only sequel, Bernard and Bianca accidentally travel back in time to Nazi Germany where Bianca is brainwashed into becoming a Nazi. Bernard must prove himself a hero.


**The Rescuers 3: Bianca the Nazi**

(AN: This sequel is live action. Bernard and Bianca are played by big muscular black guys in mouse costumes and wearing sunglasses. The Bianca actor's costume has a blonde female wig and a bow-tie and he talks in this highly grating high-pitch voice that's supposed to be a cheap imitation of a female voice. All the other mouse characters are also actors in costumes. Orville is a guy in a bird costume.)

Somewhere in a science lab in France, Orville had done it. He had an invention that made history. I mean it could literally make history.

"I have made the world's first time machine!" he exclaimed. "Now I can go back in time, do my life over again, and not make the unhealthy food choices that I made! Also I'll be rich and famous!" After losing his breath from that high energy mini monologue, he took a long look at his time machine.

"I just realized something. THIS THING IS FUGLY! NO ONE IS GONNA WANNA LOOK AT IT! THEY'RE GONNA OPERATE IT WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT AND BE SENT TO THE WRONG TIME! THAT'S NO GOOD!" he ranted. The time machine looked like a pink and purple Gameboy with rabbit ears and loads of buttons and an LCD in the center. He downed an entire can of Red Bull in one sitting and kicked the time machine away. It crashed up through the roof and showed no signs of landing anytime soon.

Over in New York City, the newly married Bernard and Bianca were in a tag team rap battle against two nerdy looking hobos. The judge was beat boxing with his lips.

"Imma rap dis shit out, so beware! Biotches in da west side forty five!" one of the hobos rapped.

"Terrible, terrible, terrible," the judge said harshly. "What was that? That made no sense, and it didn't even rhyme. So far this rap battle has been one-sided with Bernard and Bianca in the distant lead. So distant in fact that if it was time and time was cyclical, it would be so far in the future that it would loop back to the literal beginning of time!" The judge resumed his beat boxing tune.

It was Bernard and Bianca's turn. "Yo, hi, mister twister of words is in da house! My hat turned sideways be yo beck and call to my mouse! He gonna beat yo ass in dis tourney. Make no mistake, this club be hotter than a tourney on a journey!" he handed Bernard the mic.

"Bahamas and hard places I be watchin' da waves, I love the sight and scenery porn. You ain't comin', all you got to eat in these ghetto hoodz is canned corn. Love the way you look at me in admiration, determination, emanation. I got high energy comin' off of me and you just stop and stare. You look at me there, my logic has a shape of square." The rescue aid society erupted in applause.

"Bernard and Bianca have clearly proven that they have the better rapping skills, so they are the winners," the judge announced. "There will be no prize other than self satisfaction."

"Let's not enter any more rap battles. I love winning stuff." Bernard suggested. He sped away on his motorcycle with Bianca sitting behind. He had a snake tattoo on his right arm and was smoking a cigarette, a true stereotypical macho biker look. Up ahead he saw what looked like a metallic rabbit fall from the sky. He went over to Central Park to investigate. It was a weird gadget of sorts.

"Is this thing a calculator?" he wondered aloud. "Shoot, I just remembered, I need to brush up on my math skills so that I can be wary of any calculation that would result in the number 13 as an answer." He put it in his pocket and drove back to the Rescue Aid Society headquarters. Just as he entered, he looked back toward the opening as if responding to the leitmotif. It was Cody, but what was he doing here?

"Oh, Bernard and Bianca. Thank decentness I found you. I need help with my algebra homework. My final is next week and I haven't studied one bit."

"Why have you journeyed all the way across the globe just for that? Go home." Bianca retorted. "You're a stupid ass mofo if you think we gonna be your second brain, homey."

"But you guys are 'the rescuers' and it would be a shame if you let a friend down and became forever known as 'the villians.' I knew where you guys would be if I needed help, and begged my mum to take me on vacation." Cody pleaded.

"Fine," Bernard sighed. He did some work on paper and fiddled with his gadget to make sure he was getting the problems correct. "Could you stand a little farther away, Cody? I'm self conscious." Right after Bernard said that, he and Bianca were sucked into some kind of time vortex and reappeared in a totally different time and place. They saw huge plots of land surrounded by 10 foot fences with barbed wire on top.

"Uh oh! This looks like Nazi Germany! I think that strange device may have been a time machine. I've read all sorts of horror stories about this time period," Bianca said grimly. Just then they saw Adolf Hitler coming up to them. "You're so handsome, Hitler. I don't believe anyone like you could have done those horrible things." Bianca said cutely.

Bernard couldn't believe what he was seeing. Hitler got out a magic wand and chanted some obscure Latin words and a light beam shot out like a bullet. Bianca went into a gym locker room and came out wearing a khaki dress shirt and pants with swastika designs on them. She and another Nazi escorted Bernard to one of the concentration camps.

"I fucked your sister last night, Hitler!" Bernard shouted angrily at Hitler. Hitler ignored him. Bianca and the other Nazi literally threw him into a concentration camp. Bernard reacted with a childish kindergarten style temper tantrum. Six hours later his hunger was over 9000 and he thought of a desperate plan for escape that might as well have been thought of by someone on acid. Actually he was on acid, because one of the "doctors" decided to experiment on him by finding out the effects of corrosive acid on a mouse.

"I have a laser gun and I'm not afraid to use it and it's stuck inside my pelt, locked away in the smooth confines of hammer space. You never know the crap that us cartoon characters can pull out of there." Bernard bragged. His "doctor" broke into laughter.

"Escape is no hope!" the doctor smirked. "We're not dumb. The guards here are so smart they might as well be Eldritch abominations. If you escape, I promise I'll eat battery acid for the next year or so," he said jokingly. Bernard wanted to escape even more now. He had an epiphany and realized that he was indeed actually a mouse and mice need to gnaw on things. He tried to gnaw through the metal fence and he was making fairly decent progress, until...

"Well, well, well, looks like the mouse dude is trying to escape and at the same time let everyone else escape," one of the Nazi guards sneered. He got out his gun and shot Bernard about five times, reducing him to a bloody writhing pulp. Bernard was dead.

Just kidding. None of that really happened. Bernard did try to chew through the fence, but instead of getting shot, he discovered the fence tasted like mouse, and he hated the thought of being a cannibal. He didn't realize that the mouse scent was when he rubbed against it earlier to relieve an itch. _I should stop feeling sorry for myself and brighten the mood here a bit, _he thought. He cleared his throat and went over near a fence.

"Hey, guards, I got a riddle for you. What do feet eat for breakfast? I won't tell you. I'll instead let you guys figure this one out." The guards looked like they would be too lost in thought to notice Bernard if he tried to escape, but just to be sure, he climbed about a foot high on the fence. He heard a sudden loud BANG, and then a bullet narrowly missed his wing. Wing? No, I meant to say flank. Mice don't have wings! Sheesh! Bernard turned around. The guards were arguing amongst themselves.

"You blithering idiot! Why did you have to distract our thoughts with that gunshot? We'll solve the riddle, then guard the borders properly. We'll be more productive and it'll be easier on our brains if we don't have to listen to loud gunshots and have trouble concentrating on our riddle. Master Hitler can't object to that, right?"

"Hmmm. Is it sweat that feet eat for breakfast? Cause I often get hot and sweaty when I wake up."

"I'm pretty sure it's shoes because I have to get up and go to work every morning, and this job requires shoes." Bernard was fairly sure he could stay under the radar with the Nazi guards trying to figure out the riddle. He climbed over the top of the fence. Clearing the barbed wires was fairly easy because the acid from earlier numbed him pretty good. He pelted across the open moorland in a random direction and ran into Bianca.

"Bianca, I love you. I'm your hubbie. We've been through so much," he said with tears streaming down his face, but with a hint of laughter from thinking about his riddle. He put his mouth to her face to try to force her to kiss him.

"BACK OFF, IMPURE NON-GERMAN SCUM! YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY ON DRUGS IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA BELIEVE THAT WE HAD A RELATIONSHIP!" Bianca caterwauled. (AN: This is the point where you'd want to have earplugs because your ears would be in agony at this part, especially if you're sensitive to certain pitches.) Bernard thought to himself, _if she's too brain dead to remember her life, maybe I can make Hitler undo the damage he did to my wife. That bastard._

He stormed into Hitler's office and ran around it, chewing on random stuff and messing it up, reducing papers to powder. Hitler was getting plenty of physical exercise trying to step on Bernard. (AN: An extreme special effects failure is present in this scene. Since Bernard and Hitler are both played by human actors, this scene was shot by having Bernard crawl around quickly and Hitler step around awkwardly.) At some point Hitler had to answer a call on his cell phone (I'm aware of this anachronism stew. Deal with it.) While Hitler was speaking, Bernard saw his chance. He crawled inside Hitler's pants leg and into his underwear. (AN: another special effects fail. Hitler's pants are shown as a curtain with "Bernard" climbing it). A loud yell caused his office to partially collapse. Hitler was bleeding profusely from his crotch area.

"Oh, how embarrassing. I look like I peed my pants. Also I'm half a man now," Hitler said flatly. "SOMEONE KILL THE MOUSE WHO CRAWLED IN MY PANTS AND BIT OFF MY PENIS!" he yowled. A Nazi who was standing nearby chuckled. Hitler eventually bled to death because he was too proud to admit that he needed a doctor. Bernard crawled back outside of Hitler's pants and noticed a text message on Hitler's phone. It said, "We figured out the riddle. Feet eat corn flakes for breakfast. Now we've noticed that Bernard is gone from the camp." Bernard sighed with relief when he saw that Bianca was back to her old self again. Typical post-climax Disney deus ex machinas. He and Bianca kissed each other and exchanged a bunch of sugary love compliments to each other. They were then hit with a pang of worry that they somehow never thought about until now.

"How we gonna get back home to our own time, bra?" Bernard wondered. "We can't live long enough to get back to 2010! Fuck dis shit!"

"I have an idea, but it's a long shot," Bianca said. "We write a note saying 'don't unfreeze us until 2010' and put it near a bowl of water in the freezer and we freeze ourselves in it and hope someone will obey the note." Bernard agreed. They went into a restaurant and into a freezer in the kitchen. They went into a bowl of water and stuck their note near it. They froze and the plan worked like a charm. In 2010 some PETA member unfroze them with a hair drier. Bernard and Bianca spied a pin up calendar in the distance. Bernard did a beat boxing tune in celebration. According to the calendar it was 2010. But they were still somewhere in Europe and they had to get back to New York City. Well...

Back at Orville's science lab, he had made a device that could be a new mode of transport that could severely limit energy usage. It looked kinda like a Rubik's Cube with buttons.

"Eureka! I have made the world's first matter transport device!" he took another long look at it to make sure it wasn't ugly. It was.

"RRRRRRGGH! IS IT POSSIBLE TO MAKE ANYTHING THAT'S VISUALLY APPEALING?" He kicked it hard enough for it to rocket through the ceiling.

Meanwhile, back in Germany, Bernard and Bianca saw what looked like a Rubik's Cube with buttons land at their feet. Bernard picked it up out of curiosity and experienced a pang of homesickness and pressed a button to see what would happen. He and Bianca were whooshed through a wormhole and landed back at New York City. They celebrated by doing a final rap sequence. Bernard began, with a small handgun in one hand so he'd look gangsta.

"The end my friend is near in sight, we change history so we be rappin' dis shit all night. Hitler died differently dis time right round, I be steppin' all over and trippin on his stone. We be partyin' an getting drunk, smokin' da night away my homies." He fired his handgun three times and then Bianca chimed in.

"Let's get dis party started, we talkin' shit an pimpin' all over the world. Beast night ninja whirlwind relationships and cardiac arrests be worth it for our fling hangin' at da club on Saturday night." It was Bernard's turn.

"Night everybody." They both disappeared into a night club, got drunk, and collapsed.


End file.
